


NOT TO ME

by mad_solo_lover



Series: NOT TO ME - Reylo saga [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha Ben Solo, Badass Rey, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Dark Reylo, Dark Side Rey, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Luke Skywalker, Good Parent Han Solo, Gray Jedi, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Training (Star Wars), Kissing, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Minor Finn/Rose Tico, POV Ben Solo, Prince Ben Solo, Protective Ben Solo, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption, Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rey & Rose Tico Friendship, Rose Tico Deserved Better, Sex, The Force, True Love, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:48:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22209685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mad_solo_lover/pseuds/mad_solo_lover
Summary: She closed the door on him but her heart had opened up to things she never wanted to let in. He vowed to destroy her but now all he wants is to feel her touch again. They are both haunted and struggling, and they are both not ready to let anyone in, not even each other. But war stops for no one and before its too late they need to be sure of who they are and what they want...Kylo was sitting in his white and cold quarters, staring unflinchingly at his grandfather’s mask, wishing it would provide him some kind of direction. “Is he saying anything?” A familiar voice whispers, Kylo Closes his eyes in irritation.  “I am not going away kid, I think you know that by now.” Kylo looks up to see Luke’s force ghost beaming at him. He gets up and starts pacing around, “Show me” he keeps on whispering. Luke laughs shaking his head in disbelief, “So you have gone back to the past, have you?” This angers Kylo, he gives a sneering look to Luke. it has been a month since he struck that decisive blow to a force projection of Luke, and true to his words he had not left his side for a second. “Strike me in anger and I will always be with you, just like your father.”
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: NOT TO ME - Reylo saga [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598752
Comments: 15
Kudos: 55





	1. the touch

_Rey was sweating, breathing heavily. The training session that day had been nothing short of torture. She kept pushing herself more each day even though Leia kept assuring her she was ready. The last two months on this beautiful planet had been all about coming to grips with the responsibility on her shoulders. She was the resistance's hope but she was also a girl who had lived her whole life alone away from any expectations. She sat down BB8 next to her, she hadn’t told Leia a very important detail. Ever since she had rejected Ben’s hand, she had felt a pull towards Darkness. Every time she sensed herself getting stronger, she also heard the dark side calling. That was the main reason she had shutting off Poe whenever he asked her to be part of a mission, she didn’t trust herself, not when there was a chance HE could be nearby._  
_BB8 asks her what she is thinking and she replies “Nothing, I am just tired.” She composures herself taking in a few minutes of silence and then walks back to the base. “How was the training today?” she hears the calm vice of Leia in her mind from a distance. “Getting there” she had been getting better at force talking. A few steps later she sees Leia standing outside the main tent. “I hope you realize soon that the only thing standing between you and getting there is your confidence in yourself” Leia says putting a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “There is something, something I need to tell you,” Rey says, unable to look into Leia’s eyes she looks down. “I… I feel….” Rey’s voice cracks, she has tried telling her so many times but every time it felt like she is failing Leia. “Walk with me Rey” she says as if she is already in on the secret._

_“Rey I have been feeling your conflict just as I once felt Ben’s” hearing his name sends a shiver through her. she keeps trying to remove every thought of him from her mind but it never works. She had been trying to shut the bond between them, but she felt his presence. She had questions about the darkness in her that she knew Ben could understand and answer without judging, but she couldn’t let him find out where she was. “Rey I will not let history repeat itself, tell me how you feel talk to me! I… I cannot…lose” Leia's voice almost shaking while uttering the last few words. “You will never lose me,” Rey says not completely convinced herself. Leia opens her mouth to say something but decides to stay quiet. “I have been having trouble staying composed at times but I will get there, soon I promise,” Rey says, she cannot see Leia losing her faith. She cannot distract the General of the resistance from the war, this was her struggle, she alone could do something about it. Leia looks at Rey with a little sadness in her eyes and hugs her, “All the power is right here in your heart, just believe.” Rey closes her eyes giving into the hug, and right in that moment, she knows she feels **HIM** , just a hint but enough to stop the tears about to pour out of her eyes._

Six months had passed since the battle of Crait. The Galaxy was unbalanced and topsy-turvy like never before. The future was uncertain and it had become extremely hard to stay neutral. The legend of Luke Skywalker had given new life to the resistance. The fact that Luke had a hand in training Rey had made her the lifeline of the Resistance in the eyes of the allies and her powers provided hope to the people around her. General Leia had guided them to a peaceful planet in the outer rims so that they could gather their strength and make decisions in regards to the next steps.

On the other side, the assumption that Kylo Ren would be the natural Supreme leader who would give direction to the First Order had been shattered. He had become more and more volatile and moody as the months passed. He was constantly haunted by the ghost of his master and uncle Luke Skywalker. He had hardly met the generals or formulated any kind of plan to seek out the resistance. The leadership was still very scared of his powers and afraid to ask him about what was happening. Hux had taken complete advantage of the situation and rallied a lot of the Generals against Kylo. He wanted the leadership to take control of the first order and bring the military rule into the Galaxy. He was not ready to serve a boy, especially not General Leia's kid.

"We need to take him down" Hux hissed in a venomous tone. He is sitting with a few of the generals in the meeting room. Hux is sitting on the leading chair of a big discussion table, and the rest of the generals were sitting or standing cramped up close to him, except for one. His eyes are red and anger fills his breaths. "SIX MONTHS" he continues, "we have given Ren more than enough time and opportunity, but he doesn't have it in him. He is a CHILD." The Generals look at each other, their faces have nervous expression but they nod their heads. "The question is how?" one of the generals in the back asks in a soft calm voice. "we can't just walk up to him with a blaster now, can we?" another General sitting by Hux says in an almost mocking tone.

"He... has grown to be weak...good, he... he is unable to hurt anyone, you remember when we were torturing the prisoners for information on the resistance base and he stopped us" A very confident looking general sitting directly opposite to Hux on the other side of the table said. "He hasn't even picked up his Saber since the Battle of Crait."

"You are right General Pryde, we have to use his light, and his weak heart against him," Hux said with a sinister smile creeping across his face. "The resistance, I believe bringing him face to face with the resistance could be the end of him," Hux says and looks at Pryde who gives the slightest nod of approval.  
"What about the resistance raids to influence our troopers?" The General next to Hux asked.  
"I know what we have to do" Hux replied standing up. "We all hope so" Pryde whispered.

"Ben, are you ready for your lesson today?" Luke was sitting on the edge of the bed in Kylo's chambers, Kylo Ren was laying there with his back towards him. "What today? How bad is the bad old darkness?" Kylo asked in a tired yet mocking tone without moving. "NOO, that was the lesson last month, keep up, you used to be my best student" Luke replied shaking his head. "Well now I am your only student, so there is not competition" Kylo got up, he saw his reflection in the mirror wall in front of him. His scar had become faint, one could almost miss it if they didn't know about it already. He had tried his best to fight it, Luke, the light, and his own father but nothing worked. He wasn't strong enough with the darkness, he had failed even after every sacrifice he had made. "What is the lesson today then, enlighten me!" he looked back at Luke with a defeated expression.

"You are enough Ben. That's the lesson." Luke got up and walked to him. "You with all your struggle are enough. There is no one you have to live up to, not me and definitely not your grandfather." The words went through Kylo piercing his heart that he had long tried to bury. "I am anything but enough, I was never good enough for the light, not wise, committed and optimistic enough and now I am not spiteful or strong enough to lead the dark side. After everything, the one thing I am not is ENOUGH" Luke looked into Kylo's eyes and for the first time in six months he saw his nephew. The kid Luke loved with all his heart. "I was all those things Ben, and I still failed. A wise man told me failure is our greatest teacher. Yes, you failed, but your family, we failed you first." Luke could see the tears forming in Ben's eyes. His body was shaking and Ben felt the weight of the world on his shoulder. His legs gave way and he fell on his knees. "Wh... why weren't you there before, its too late now, TOO late," Ben said jumped up facing Luke properly for the first time “I have done too much, I have gone too far” there is deep sadness and guilt on his face, he wants to say something more but stops and composes himself.

“No son, as long as there is light in you there is a way back.” Kylo hears Han’s voice and turns around. Luke’s presence had been accompanied with his own projection of Han Solo. The light in him tried to make its case through him, trying desperately to weaken his resolve. All Kylo needed was some peace to formulate a plan to hold his position in the first order. The constant tug off was in his brain was making him lose his grip of the leadership, he could feel the doubt in all the generals rising. Just like Snoke, they felt like he was too good to wipe out the resistance. “This is who I am meant to be… there is nothing that the old-world order has done for me. The only way I can be who I am meant to be is by finishing it all off.” Kylo replies to both Han and Luke. They smile at each other, Luke come closer to Kylo, “Ben you can start something new with light too, you have seen it, with Rey by your side.” As Luke takes her name Kylo shivers a bit, his heart remembering the touch of her hand. Both of them had been trying to shut off their bond, he felt her presence sometimes but only fleetingly. He wanted to reach out at times, desperate for their connection but feared she would block him, or worse she would try to intensify the light in him. For now, struggling with Luke and Han was enough, he couldn’t handle it anymore. "Darkness is my nature," and with these words, Kylo was back. The sadness replaced by anger and Luke could now only hold on to hope. There were a few more lessons before Ben could finally return.

A single drop of tear flowed down Rey's cheeks. There was a deep sadness in her heart and a feeling of loneliness that did not belong to her but she knew all too well. "Ben," she said with the faintest whisper. "What?" Finn asked and she was brought back from her daze. She was sitting surrounded by the old and new resistance. They were all sitting and having their evening meal, their table compromised of Chewie, Poe, Finn, Rose and of course BB8. Finn and Poe had just come back from their mission. The resistance had found a spy in the ranks of First Order and he had given them some vital information. Kylo had become volatile because of his darkness, crueler but at the same time unstable and easier to attack. Rey knew this was wrong, she had been feeling everything ben felt for the last month, her efforts to block him out had started to fail miserably. There was only sadness, guilt and sometimes complete light that he radiated. The problem was she had to find a way to tell the others how she knew this. She couldn't tell Poe and Finn about whatever she and ben had. First of all, because they would try to cut her off because of the danger and secondly because she couldn't explain what it was herself. She had been doing a lot of reading trying to figure it out, but the Jedi texts were hard to understand and it took her a lot of time. She hadn't found anything about the kind of bond she and ben shared.

"Nothing, I am just happy we are all together after so long," she told Finn who smiled at her. She really had missed him, they were separated a lot because of her training. She had been working with Leia and also decoding the Jedi texts and Finn had been helping the resistance-free slaved stormtroopers like him. It had again been one of Rose's ingenious ideas. Finn had been telling her stories of his time with First Order during her recovery. He told her about kids who were picked up just like him and it wasn't long before she had directed him towards helping them. Rose had ended up being the light in dark times.

"The first order is of yet unaware of our little escapades, but that's only because they have been too small, we need more soldiers to join our ranks" Finn was deep in conversation with Poe and Rose. Chewie was busy stuffing himself, he was waiting like he hadn't seen food in forever. "We are not freeing them so they can choose what they want, joining us is not a pre-condition," Poe said in his wise tone. He had been a bit annoying since Leia had given him a greater leadership role but he had held the resistance together. Leia's health had been deteriorating, the losses had been weighing her down, the load of building up the resistance all over again and training Rey had been all a bit too much. For her sake, Rey indulged Poe to the fullest extent. "I know that... and you know what I mean" Finn snapped back as usual.

Rose shook her head and moved closer to Rey. "Did you feel... him again?" Rose asked in a hushed tone so only Rey could hear her. Rose had read her, she had a way of knowing these things. Ever since she had met Rose, Rey had been unable to keep things from her. Rey had never had a girlfriend no one who could ever really understand her the way Rose did. When She started struggling with the darkness, she, to her surprise, found solace in Rose. Rose had found her muttering during one of her meditation sessions. Rose had been looking for BB8 and found Rey sweating, eyes closed and hand-stretched out, "Stop, stop!" Rey screamed and Rose knew something was really wrong. Rose didn't judge her, her eyes were always filled with compassion, "I know nothing much about the force, but I can only tell you one thing, Rey you inspire me" she remembered Rose's reaction so clearly. "And the fight between light and dark, we all fight it each day, you are no different." Rey's struggle hadn't lessened but her resolve to keep fighting the darkness had grown stronger and that in some way gave her strength. Rey had told her she could feel Ben's emotions sometimes due to the force. Rose was completely unaware of how deep it was, she was oblivious of it being a bond at all. Rey had told her that she could feel every living being's emotions due to the presence of force which was not completely a lie. She did, however, tell Rose of the inexplicable light she felt in Ben from time to time in the last month. "Yes... he... Ren is broken," Rey said, the words hurting her like she didn't expect them to. Rose looked at her, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I hope he can mend himself," She said in the optimistic tone only she could conjure in every situation. Rey hoped the same, but she wished she could help. At that very moment it hit her "Positivity..." she exclaimed. Rose stared at her in confusion but she had already closed her eyes. Rey filled herself with every positive moment of her life, she thought of the company she had, of the cold feeling of grass on barefoot, of BB8, of Rose's smile, of Finn and Poe's friendship, of Leia's warmth, and of _THAT_ touch, letting the light fill her up.

Kylo was walking towards the meeting room when all of a sudden, a jolt of pure Joy hit him, it was so untainted and glowing that the slightest of smiles broke out on his face and he closed his eyes. The moment passed and he was left embarrassed, he composed himself quickly but the joy only increased because he had felt her, after six months he had felt HER, not a hint but her complete presence. He was afraid to open his eyes, scared he would see her but when he opens them, nothing!  
He walked into the room, stomping his feet on purpose. He had to show his authority to the room. "Why did you call me here General?" he asked standing looking outside with his back to the whole table. "We have information that the rebels are going to attack one of our stormtrooper training bases, Supreme leader this is our chance," Hux said in a confident manner. Kylo wanted to get into his head, he wanted to read his intention but his mind was on Rey and his emotions were all over the place. He couldn't question this right now, he had to show his resolve. He knew his conflict had been testing the patience of the leadership and a firm action was needed to shut their doubts. Maybe Hux was right, maybe this was his chance. "We shall crush them," he said closing out Rey.

Rey, Finn, and Poe had come to see Leia in her chambers. Se laid on her bed, body weakened but her spirit was still glowing. Rey was sitting next to her holding her hand.

"The spy he also told us the location of one of the stormtrooper training bases" Poe was catching Leia up. "This is our chance to get thousands out." Leia looked skeptical, "I don't know, what if they don't listen to you? That's a huge number take a risk with." Poe looked at Finn pleading for support, "General me and all the former stormtroopers who have joined us will go together, I assure you no one wants a life in slavery. They would be scared but I am certain I can turn them; I have learned how to get their confidence over the last few months." Finn turned to Poe who is smiling at him. "Our allies need to know we have a plan that we can win this war, we need to take a risk," Poe added.

Leia stayed silent for a few seconds and then turned to Rey, "Go with them, I have a feeling they will need you this time." Rey smiled and nodded, she had the same feeling.


	2. Ben Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trap is ready and the rebels are walking right into it!

“Supreme Leader, the troops have been assembled. They are waiting for your words,” General Pryde had interrupted Kylo’s thoughts which he was thankful for. He had been listening to Luke, constantly preaching him, his head was hurting and he was sweating badly. Every ounce of his strength was being used up to shut down the light and with it any memory of his father. He got up from the giant throne-like chair he was sitting in and strode out of the room. Pryde had noticed his uneasiness grow since the meeting on the Star Destroyer and had decided to accompany him to the training base.

Kylo walked on to the platform that looked over rows and rows of stormtroopers standing in complete attention in a large concrete field. “Set them free Ben, you know the need for freedom.” Luke’s voice spoke in his head. “The Rebels are on their way, General Hux’s plan of deceiving them as a spy has worked,” Kylo’s voice was cracking and forehead was covered with sweat droplets. Kylo gave a side look to General Pryde to see his reaction but turned back quickly. “The Rebels or your family Ben?” Luke always had to have the last word. Kylo clenched his fist and spoke more loudly, “This is our chance to finally Obliterate their last remaining hope and bring final order to the Galaxy.” “Oh! you can’t hurt Rey even if you promise it here” Luke mocked him. Kylo knew in his heart that Luke was right, he still had no idea how he was going to face Rey. “I will end the Resistance!” Kylo finished after taking a few seconds. The Stormtroopers lifted their hands in unison to show their submission. Kylo rushed away without taking a second look, he would scream for Luke to leave him alone but he knew better. “Supreme Leader, now there is only waiting,” Pryde said as soon as they were inside the compound. “Better not be a long wait!” Kylo replied sinking back into his Giant Chair. He needed to figure out what he would do when SHE eventually showed up, he had been afraid that she would block him but he was the one who ended up blocking her. He wanted her, needed her… no what was he doing, he needed to end her.

“Is he still blocking you?” Rose asked. They were all on the Millennium Falcon on their way to the Stormtrooper Training Base. Rey had been really worried about the false narrative that the spy had given to the rebels and wanted to know more. She kept trying to reach out to Ben, hoping to find something, anything. “No, still complete void and silence,” she whispered back. Poe and Finn were sitting across, arguing about the approach strategy. “No, I think we should all stick together, that’s what we need,” Poe sounded worried. “Listen, you have to trust me, we have to separate, you, Chewie and Rey can take out the Commanders while I and rose can find the radio room so I can speak to the captured troopers,” Finn said trying not to raise his voice. Rose gave him a raised eyebrow and he took a deep breath. Poe still looked unconvinced but nodded unenthusiastically. “One of these days you have to tell me your secret of dealing with Finn!” Rey said into Rose’s ear. “That one I will take to the grave,” Rose said and grinned.

“I think we are approaching the base, you are up Rose, get us through their shields,” Poe said walking towards the cockpit, Rose had been going through her own training on Ajan Kloss. She had been learning coding day in and day out, picking up different skills from different people from the new resistance. Rose got up and followed Poe in to work her magic. Finn got up and came and sat next to Rey. “Are you ready? This could be great for us. We could take away their strength by so many.” Finn said and Rey rolled her eyes. “I know we are not freeing them because of that but it is a big added bonus, right?” Finn said and smirked and Rey laughed out loud. Her laugh died down quickly as the Falcon jumped out of light speed. “Ben…” she shouted out and Finn was shaken. “What?” Finn asked but it was too late she was already rushing into the cockpit and Finn followed.

“Kylo Ren is on the base,” Rey exclaimed as Poe flew the Falcon through the Base’s shield. “We need to turn around now,” Rey shouted out and Poe and Finn looked at each other. “Maybe it’s a good thing, Rey, you remember what the Spy said, Ren, is weak and unstable. We could finish it right here right now,” Finn said as Poe landed the Falcon in the hanger bay. Rey wanted to scream onto Finn’s face, end what? End Ben, she could neve… “You do not know!” was the only thing that came out. “Its too late Rey, we gotta complete the mission,” Poe said handing her the lightsaber, Rey looked at Rose who gave her an unsure look. Rey took a deep and followed everyone out of the Falcon. BB8 stayed back to guard the Falcon and the rest of the group distributed according to Finn’s plan.

Poe and Chewie followed Rey, Finn had told them the way to the main quarters and Finn and rose rushed to the Radio announcement room keeping their heads down. Rey looked back once and saw them disappearing, she had a horrible feeling in her gut. Rey and Poe kept each step ahead as quietly as possible, Chewie followed. The base was made up of black shiny surfaces with metallic borders, each reflecting back their slyly moving figures. Rey felt imprisoned, every corridor led to a similar-looking corridor filled with coldness and stoniness. They hid as soon as they saw the troopers and made their way of ensuring their path was clear. Rey took a left and encountered a trooper standing there and stopped dead in her path. “You don’t see anything unusual,” she said and the trooper repeated and left. Poe sighed in relief and they continued. They reached the gates of the main quarters and saw two guards standing outside, Poe aimed his blaster at them but Rey pushed the blaster down and whispered, “We are here to save them.” She closed her eyes and concentrated, it took her a few seconds and Poe kept staring at her but the troopers finally kept their blasters down and left. “You are getting stronger!” Poe said as Rey marched forward. Poe and Rey stood at each side of the door, “Chewie stay here on the lookout while we go in, there should be seven commanders according to Finn” Rey told Chewie and marched in with Poe. They walked in with caution and started looking around but soon realized that the place was unusually empty. They went from one empty clear room to another, still nothing.

“Why hasn’t Finn started talking yet?” Poe asked Rey looking around, his confusion growing. The bad feeling in Rey’s heart was getting stronger, she started fidgeting and looking around, when all of a sudden, she couldn’t move. Kylo entered the room followed by Pryde, the commanders, Troopers, Finn, Chewie and Rose who had blasters pointed at their head and two stormtroopers each behind them. Two troopers from the back came running and handcuffed Rey with bulky cuffs and snatched her lightsaber from her hand. Another trooper took Poe’s blaster as he stood frozen. The troopers offered the saber to Kylo who looked at the mended saber with a strained expression and signaled them to keep it away. “BEN!” Luke's voice rung louder than ever and Kylo’s hold of Rey and Poe weakened and they were released. Rey was facing the other way, she was forced to turn around and she saw him. They both looked at each other, Her heart beating faster than ever. He looked exactly how she remembered him but more tired. He had a chill sent down his spine, her amber eyes shining like orbs in the black room. Strands of her hair stuck to her sweaty face, deep hues of fierce crimson against her pale face. Rey didn’t withdraw or flinch under Kylo’s gaze instead she tried to reach out through their bond but Kylo was in complete shutdown mode. “You can’t,” he finally said after what seemed like hours. His voice was soft, just like it was in the throne room when he asked Rey to join him. His hair was unkempt and fell into his eyes and his forehead was creased, Rey knew something was profound troubling him. His face told her he needed more of a connection, or maybe Rey did, or maybe it was both of them in need of each other. His eyes were different in this moment, softer than Rey knew eyes could ever be. Kylo was gone and instead, it was the eyes of one who cared deeply.

“You really thought that there would be a spy in the first order?... It was…” General Pryde started but Kylo lifted a finger to shut him. “This is not the time to explain our evil plan General,” he said in a condescending tone, much to Pryde’s anguish. “Ben, you care for her…” Luke spoke in his head and Kylo took a few steps towards Rey, “This could have ended differently if…. if you had taken my hand before” Kylo said looking at his hand and a confused expression formed on everyone’s face. “Ben… I know,” Rey said in a gentle voice. Kylo kept staring at Rey, her lips pursed together, she was searching for something in him he didn’t want her to find. “Rey, what is going on?” Poe asked unable to understand any of it. A trooper hit him on the face and Rey started stepping towards him in anger but frozen again. “You can’t save anyone now,” Kylo continued but his manner had softened.

“Finish the last hope Supreme leader, we show our rising army the greatness of supreme leader,” Pryde provoked Kylo from the back. Kylo looked down at the saber on his belt and then back at Rey. He wanted to touch her, he wanted to not feel this way even just for a second. He wanted her warmth to seep into him, he ached for that peace. He took the Saber in his hand, his hands shaking in the slightest. He ignited the saber and its chaotic sound made him flinch somewhat. He was now just a few inches away from Rey, their eyes locked and both their heartbeats racing in a union. “You have been there Ben, you have done this before, you know where this path leads,” Luke was now standing next to Kylo. There was complete daze in the room, no one understood what was happening, no one except the two people in the room who were in on the secret. Kylo could see his face, remember his father's final look of love and disappointment. He was back on that bridge, watching him fall into nothingness. “Supreme Leader strike down the enemy, with her the rebels lose,” General Pryde said with a growing worry in his voice, he was staring continuously at the ghost of Skywalker. Kylo was only physically in the room, his eyes were shut and all the troopers were looking around trying to understand what was happening. Rey looked at Luke and he smiled, that smile was enough for her to stay calm. She looked up and could only see Poe who was shocked, his mouth open and eyes wide. She was looking for an opportunity, all the guns were pointing straight at her friends all she needed to do was find an opening to grab her saber.

“Son I know you've felt alone your whole life, going around this unchartered Galaxy. I know you've tried calling for help, the thing is, there is no advice anyone can give... and if they tried, they'd simply burden your soul further. Darkness is worse than struggling with the light son.” Han solo said, his hand on Ben’s face. “But you have the chance to fly with someone. She is the right companion who seeks the same destination, make her your first mate and co-pilot. The important thing is to keep flying!” Han finished, Ben wanted to stop what was going to happen next but it was inevitable. Han fell off the bridge into the deep void. Ben opened his eyes and Luke knew this was it, Kylo had finally lost the battle.

“Always settle for that which it matters to your soul to find,” Luke whispered into Ben’s ear. Ben lifted his saber and struck the blow, breaking away the cuffs and fell down on his knees, his emotions were jagged and insides tight. His eyes were filled with tears and he felt incapable of moving, he was emotionally starved and inexplicably in his entire life he had never felt this lonely. Then several things happened altogether, Poe, Finn, and Chewie took advantage of the big distraction Ben’s action had caused and freed themselves, getting hold of blasters, Chewie helped Rose who was struggling with the trooper. Pryde realized that this was his opportunity, remembered his plan with Hux, pointed his blaster at Ben and shot. Rey felt everything Ben felt as his guard came crashing down and as she looked at Ben falling, she instinctively leaped forward to support him but through the corner of her eye, she saw Pryde picking up his blaster ready to shoot and picked up Ben’s saber to defend him. She successfully diverted the shot and Pryde was left cold in his place shot by Finn from the back. The commanders took cover and started shooting at the group, Rey stood her ground protecting ben, who was callously unaware of everything happening around him, still on his knees. Chewie took down three of the commanders pushing Rose behind him and Rey was battling two of them. She was in a turmoil as well and tried to shut it down, battling through her tears. The pain in her heart was reaching an unbearable level. Finn and Poe took down the rest of the guards and came to Rey’s help.

The enemy was down there was a quiet moment and Rey turned back and looked at Ben. “Rey, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?” Poe whisper screamed but Rey was not paying any attention. Finn looked at Rose who gave him a look that told him to ask questions later. “You know what you have to do Rey!” Luke said and Rey blinked at him. She put her hand on Ben’s forehead, his brain being dragged from every direction and he was unconscious. She turned her gaze towards Chewie who couldn’t even look at Ben. “I know Chewie, but what would Han want?” Rey said and Chewie’s angry face melted a bit and he reluctantly picked up Ben in his arms. “What do you think you are doing?” Poe asked his voice was louder this time. “ _Taking Ben Solo back to his family_ ,” Rey said and looked at Chewie who gave a tiny nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I had written up, how to know what you feel about it! :)


	3. The Five Stages of Grief  (Part 1 – Denial, Anger and Bargaining..)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The "prodigal" son returns...

(Ben’s point of view)

I was in complete darkness, just a space filled with silence. Desert of the soul, melting into soundless oblivion, falling, bottomless pit, nothing to hold onto, plummeting into swirling blackness and despair that was engulfed in nothingness. I was dipping, clawing at the walls of the pit, swamped with undesirable emotion, as steady and cruel as sinking sand, smothered, helplessness, curl up, tears as silent as the grave roll in steady procession, firm grip of misery and then a void. All of a sudden, my senses did not work, I was empty, disengaged, almost not in existence. But in the next second or maybe the next hour, it was hard to tell time, I heard a familiar groaning noise. The noise made me realize I was still pretty much alive and that my eyes were closed. I stressed my eyes a bit and slowly opened them and saw Chewie a few inches away from my face and got up, backing off, as a reflex. In the process I kicked someone, I turned to see who was sitting there and grasped it was Rey, who was half lying at the edge of the bed and was woken up because of the jolt. I got up, putting distance between my self and them, Chewie moved a few steps towards me and Rey had finally come to her full senses. Ben looked at himself and realized that they had removed his cape and coat, and he was wearing a black jumper.

“Ben no! Please calm down,” Rey saw the restlessness on my face, we were both one person in that moment, no shields between us. I realized then that I was the one draining her, the only reason I was still able to function was that I was sharing my emotional weight with her. “Are… are you okay?” I asked her, and she was surprised. “Yes, Ben but I need you to compose yourself,” She said as I looked around, I was on THE ship. It was like I hadn’t seen it in a lifetime but also like I was on it with my dad yesterday. “Dad,” I saw him falling again, and my throat was soared. I needed to stop looking at everything, this was too much, everything I left behind right in front of me. “Dad…” I sat down on the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins; if I could just shut myself, I wouldn't have to face this, I'd be protected from everything around me. But I'd still have to live with myself, with the wretched memories swirling around in my head. Everything wrong I had done was knocking on my temples, wanting a way into my consciousness. Every life I took playing out in front of me. My eyes, already red and puffy from crying, squeezed shut to push more tears out. I let my head fall down to my knees, and I pulled my legs even closer to me. No matter what I did, there was no where I could hide from the thoughts in my head, but I wasn’t going to stop trying.

“Ben we are going home, you are going to be okay,” Rey put a hand on my shoulder. The touch was soothing like she was scarping the angry thoughts with them, it was also addictive. I needed more of it, I wanted to reach out, mute everything else but us but we felt the Falcon land, and my dread snuck right back in.

“I told you we should have restrained him,” FN-2187 said walking into the chamber and seeing Rey and me on the ground. I looked up and saw the distaste in his eyes, I had no idea why he let me on the ship, let alone bring me to the resistance base.

“He is not our prisoner Finn and don’t forget he saved us,” Rey said, her eyes still fixed on me. I knew she was saying this but a part of her feared me, feared what I was capable of. I was sure because I shared that fear.

“He is also the most dangerous man in the galaxy Rey,” Poe came out of the shadows and his eyes carried the same abhorrence. He held a pair of cuffs in his hands and looked at Rey pleadingly. I wanted Rey to feel safe, thinking about her was the only thing that made sense amongst all this. I lifted my hands for him to come and restrain. Rey looked at me, her gaze soft, virtually medicinal, could cure anything. Poe carefully put the cuffs on and picked me up from the floor. His hold was harsh, he deliberately pushed me ahead. We all stood, side by side, another girl had joined us, she was small and stayed close to Rey. She was the only one who did not look at me with hate. The door opened and a brigade of people was standing outside, ready to greet us, not expecting me of course. There was loud clapping, cheering and lots of talking but as soon as the dust settled and they were able to see us everyone went quiet. Rey stepped in front of me, blocking every detest filled stare.

The talking started again but this time it was hushed. “MONSTER!” someone screamed breaking the order and then everyone followed. “KILLER” another scream. I kept looking at Rey, trying my best to ignore what was happening and I closed myself off, all I concentrated on was the back of her neck. Then there was silence again, I peeked from behind Rey to see what had happened and saw her. She looked years older, just a shadow of the woman I remembered her to be. The time had been harsh on her, I had been harsh on her. Her hand was raised, trying to hush everyone, I looked away. Rey now moved away and there was only air between me and mother. I looked at the tired circles under her eyes and the wise crease on her forehead. Her eyes though were the same, the eyes I looked into and dreamed as a kid. I try to recall being with her, her touch, her smile, her voice and I am blank but then she smiled and it’s like I had always remembered everything. Her smile was hard to take because it was the kind of smile that brought back a million memories. Something in me snaps in that second, everything I was blocking out I let in, the pain of every single thought filled me up. Rey saw this and froze me, I was too weak to fight, too distracted. “Son!” It was the faintest whisper but it was fuel to fire. She took a step forward.

“Do not come near me, you… don’t get to call me son,” Ben held up his cuffed hands to signal her to stop. She listened and stop.

“Son I am here now,” there was a bit more confidence in her tone this time.

“You are here, NOW, when it too late? I… needed to then, I……I told you I didn’t want to be a Jedi, I told you I wanted to stay,” anger filled my nerves, but she stayed calm.

“Son, I thought it was what was best for the Galaxy, you had so much…” she searched for words. “Luke saw it too…. I didn’t know…” She finished.

“But I knew and I…. I wanted… I wanted you to say my son isn't a sacrifice for the Jedi order, he's MY son.” I was shivering and Rey was struggling to hold on to me, she wasn’t trained enough to take on my angry self. “I wasn’t there for you all to abuse and use as a pawn in your sick galactic games. You made me hurt and you think there's forgiveness for you? Well, there is not. Not from me,” The anger started giving way to sorrow and Rey could feel her hold getting stronger again, she needed me to calm down. Leia’s eyes were filled with tears but her hand still stopped anyone from approaching me, she took another step towards me, this time I didn’t protest. “A mother does not let her boy suffer to placate the evil,” I said and my eyes gave mother the permission to take the rest of the steps towards me. She rushed to me, holding me tightly and Rey could finally let go.

“There is no forgiveness….. no forgiveness,” I kept repeating under my breath as I lowered my body so she could embrace me. “I know son, I know…” she said, her hands in my hair, the way she always used to hug me. and the rage splintered, giving way to a physical smile.

(Rey’s point of view)

I could finally let go of Ben and it wasn’t like I could have held on for long. I saw him give into Leia’s hug. And then something extraordinary happened, his soft lips stretched into a smile but it didn't quite reach his dark eyes. They were lit with sorrow, and the forced expression of the contrary on his mouth would have looked amusing to me if it didn't make my heart feel heavy. For a few moments, I stared at him, almost sure his expression mirrored mine. It broke my heart. That was the first time I ever saw him smile and even this half-smile transformed him from someone threatening to someone you wished you knew forever.

Then I looked around and realized that I and Leia were the only ones who were embracing Ben. The gathered crowd including Finn and Poe looked disgusted, angered and confused. There was no sympathy for Ben in their hearts but their anger was justified, they had all lost people to the first order, they had all lost someone close to KYLO REN.

Finn and Poe had started a screaming match after they had safely gotten to the falcon on the base. “Are you out of your mind?” Finn was using his full vocal range. I had to use all my trust capital and Rose’s support to get them to bring Ben here. It was clear though that the fight was still on, no one here knew Ben. But what I was most scared about was Kylo’s return, I wasn’t sure at all that he was completely gone.

They broke their embrace and Leia looked at me, signaling me to take him away so she could deal with everyone. I held his arm gently, his huge muscled arm, and directed him to Leia’s camp. The whole way to the camp he didn’t say or do much of anything. It was like he was lost in his own world, and his emotions were too jumbled up for me to understand. Once we entered the tent he just went and sat in one corner and I sat down on the other side of the room. He had looked so peaceful, like a child while lying unconscious in the Falcon, but the person in front of me now is definitely a MAN. He is fitter looking underneath all the layers than I expected and his expression is serious but not unkind. His long midnight black curls were untidy and his dark brown eyes focused, framed by his uneven brows. His face was rugged, but not in a harsh way, the way that tells of a life too hard. I kept staring without even realizing that I hadn’t blinked and he noticed.

“Ummm… do you think they are telling mother ways to kill me?” He said, a little uncomfortable under my gaze. He had spit out the word mother in a rush so I wouldn’t notice but I had.

“NO, they… they are just scared,” I was honest with him, always.

“They should be, you should be Rey, ending me is the right thing to do. No… listen I am unstable; I can’t guarantee I won’t lose myself again. I won’t…. if I did something…. I should die,” He said stopping me from interrupting him. This annoyed me, I was trying to save him, and he didn’t even think of me before saying something like that. But I knew he was thinking about only me, about hurting me.

“Ben you listen to me, we can fight this. I know everyone gave up on you but I won’t. You will never hurt me,” I said but it didn’t affect his doubts. He was prepared to give anything to stop Kylo from eve resurfacing. “It's good this is not in your or mother’s hand, it’s the resistance decision. Ben looked away and I could feel him shutting away from the force.

I walked up to him and bowing down cupped his face in my hands, “You listen to me Ben Solo, I am standing between you and everything,” I said not quite sure why I was ready to risk everything for him. I rationalized in my head with the old argument, he would be the change in the tide that would give the resistance its new life. Ben pushed my hand away, “There is no saving me Rey,” his words were more of a complaint than a statement.


	4. The Five Stages of Grief (Part 2 - Depression and Acceptance)

(Rey’s point of view)

He was right, they wanted him dead, but what scared me was that he was ready to die. Ben had shut himself off from the force, he wanted none of it, and since talking about dying yesterday he hadn’t said a word, not to me and not to anyone else. It had started to feel like he was only physically alive and his soul had already given into its demise. For me, his absences in my conscious, the lack of him in me was draining. Even when we were not connected there was always hope of finding him in moments, but the world felt hollow since he shut himself off.  
“There is no way we can trust him,” One of the pilots shouted out, “We know he is your son, but to us, he is a murderer,” someone else from the back of the room exclaimed. Every accusation, as honest as it was, hurt me, it felt like they were attacking me. “Listen, everyone, he… he saved them, and he saved Rey.” Leia looked at me for support and I nodded with as much power as I could without hurting my neck.   
“He killed his own father,” Finn said without thinking and Rose, who had just entered the tent, hit him on the back of his head. Leia was shaken, I could see she had been struggling with that since she saw Ben, I could only imagine how much of Han Solo she saw in him. My brain became entangled with this thought, oh yes, his smile, it was Han’s smile. Even his walk, “He can destroy everything in a matter of seconds if we let him live,” I didn’t notice who said it but it brought me out of my daydream.   
“He can’t, he is emotionally too weak, and he has cut himself off from the force,” I said with a lump in my throat.   
“You would say anything to protect him,” Poe accused me. He had been distant from me and Leia since yesterday, Finn was angry too but he was still talking to me. I didn’t have anything to say to Poe, he was right, in that moment I would have said anything to protect Ben. I felt guilty, like a fraud but I also knew I had to defend him.  
“Well, will you even question my words. I have spent my entire life fighting, first in the rebellion, then building the new republic and now in this resistance. I lost my son, my love and my brother. All I am asking you all is to give him a chance to repent, if not for him for me. So that I can have a bit of my family back. Tell me Poe are you going to accuse me of lying as well?” Leia had never looked this hurt and insulted in her whole life. She was after all BEGGING the people, she had brought together with blood sweat and tears to give her son the gift of life. The room noticed this just as I did. Poe resigned back into himself.   
“Well if he has, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it should stay that way till we can decide what should happen to him…” one of the senior leaders spoke. I felt a rush of joy and sadness. On the one hand, the conversation had turned to buying Ben more time to prove he had changed, but on the other hand, they wanted him to shut away from the force, from me unknowingly for even longer.   
“I believe we need to give Kyl… Ben Solo a chance to prove if he can atone and live with the light,” Maz said in her wise tone. A single drop of tear streamed down Leia’s face and she wiped it quickly, sitting down with a look of relief. “We should vote,” Finn suggested and my jaws tightened. I pounced up, “Well you all know my vote, I can’t watch this happen,” I said and left.

(Ben’s point of view)

I have not moved from my position in hours, the tray of food looks good but it requires an effort of moving to get it. There was, right in this moment, a few tents away a debate about my future happening and the resistance was deciding on what was the right thing to do. I stopped asking what would be ideal two hours ago; in this misery, I can’t even seek the happier version of me, I can't even recall the last time I reached out for that child-self I once was, the kid who loved letters and flying. Because that kid had started to see darkness around the lights instead of the other way around, and soon there were no more colors in his world.   
“Ben,” I heard a soft tiny voice from the direction of the entrance. I looked up more as an impulse than anything else. It was the girl from the falcon, the tiny one. “I am Rose, Rose Tico, I… can I come in? She asked nervousness pouring out of her words. I gestured for her to come sit, I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.   
“Rey, she… you know… she is very sad! She won’t tell you and from what I heard you can’t feel it, so I thought I should tell you,” She said looking at the ground the whole time. Her face said she had more to say but she was scared. I opened my mouth to tell her no to be afraid but she looked up in that moment and I closed it again.   
“She has always believed in you, and I know, I know everyone in your life has always disappointed you, but SHE hasn’t,” her eyes were beaming with concern and I could tell some of the concern was for me as well.   
“I… I always struggle with words Rose, but I feel like she would be better off, sometimes forgiveness is not an option,” I said and my voice felt alien to me.   
“I don’t believe that for a second… It is human to feel the light and the dark. All those feelings are normal. We evolved to have them all, we just have to know when it is appropriate to work on them and what to do with unwanted feelings of anger or negativity. For the most part, we just need to run it out - sometimes literally.” She paused, I could tell she was thinking of all the innocent people I had hurt and her voice grew a bit weak and her eyes teared up. “There isn't anything wrong with being human and there's a whole lot that's right about it. We get to choose who we are,” she finished and her voice became its former confident self and with each word she rationalized her thoughts. I saw it in that moment, she was ready to forgive me, this total stranger.   
“I hurt someone close to you, didn’t I?” it was less a question and more a statement, I knew the answer. “I lost my sister, to the first order, not to you Ben Solo. But I have heard many stories of pain caused by you, yes… yes, I have,” she said remembering every story, her face a picture of anguish. I looked away; I knew if anyone was given enough time to think it over, they would want me punished, want me dead.  
“I forgive you,” she said out of nowhere and I turned back. Her hand was on my hand with firmness to assure me of the honesty of her words. “If your guilt tears at your soul, rips at your guts, you are already exonerated, I am strong enough to forgive,” Her eyes were filled with a kindness that seemed so sincere, infinite. It set me aright and somehow made me hopeful. She patted me on the back while getting up to leave. Its funny how sometimes hope is non-existent yet sometimes it’s almost tangible. I wanted to embrace it, I wanted to be comforted rather than scorned and shouted at. Was living really a choice?  
“And Ben… Please do Rey a favor and let her decide what she deserves, she is even stronger than me you know,” Rose said smirking before walking out of the tent. This was the one thing I knew I didn’t have to question.

(Rey’s point of view)

I stormed into Leia’s tent and to my surprise, Ben was pacing around. “You, you cannot die. Okay,” I said and he stopped abruptly. He looked at me and opened his mouth, “No you listen to me, they are voting to give you chance right now and if by a miracle you get that chance you will have to prove too many things to too many people. I need you to be strong for that, I need you to be prepared. I NEED YOU TO STOP SULKING,” I said not realizing Ben was staring at me with the faintest of smiles on his face. “Ben it is not a joke, this will be painful but I want you to try,” I wanted to add 'for me' but I didn’t think it would have helped my argument. He wouldn’t do anything for me.  
“Rey, I… I want to give myself that chance too,” he said and there seemed no sarcasm in his tone. I was ready to fight him longer but this threw me off a bit. I sat down on the ground and he on the chair next to me. We didn’t say a word but we didn’t need to. A few minutes passed and my anxiety grew. I looked up at Ben, a muscle twitched involuntarily at the bend of his left eye; his mouth was molded into a rigid frown. With arms folded firmly across his broad chest, he tapped his foot heatedly and all the while stared out of the camp opening. This irregularly sunny morning would either see the dawn of his new life or send him into a hole he had just crawled out of. I wished I could do something, somehow.  
Rose entered the tent, she was breathing heavily, like she had run all the way here. She didn’t say a single word but her smile was enough. I looked at Ben who was already staring at me. Then he moved closer with those eyes deeply fixed into mine. My breathing became softer, his anxious look melting into a smile as soft as the grass I loved walking on. My body fidgeted just a little as my muscles relax. There is something about that gaze of his, as if in that moment our souls had connected, without the use of the force. I looked away, the power of it startling me a bit and realized Rose had left the tent. I turned back to see Ben on both of his knees.  
“You are my cure, one-touch, and the respite is instant, whatever you wish to do is what I will do and there isn't a thing I can do to change that - not that I'd ever want to.” His grin was pure and his hand was moving towards my face as he got back up, ready to cup it. In that split second before I felt his touch every nerve in my body and brain was captivated. It was the eagerness of wanting it that was more than words could explain and it was completely palpable.   
His hands made my head seem like a small ball, his long fingers caressing my cheek. I surrendered myself into his grip. One-touch and all the external worries and inhibitions were over, it was somehow always that way with Ben. I felt electricity in my skin, from there on in it was all passion, intense, intoxicating. It was my escape, my drug. too many of my switches were flicked by him for sparks to not fly. In that moment all I could hope was Ben felt more than just relief in my company. 

(Ben’s point of view)

It isn't the first time I touch her, but we're so edgy you'd never know it. There's something about her that brightens me up from within, there's something about me that melts her poise to nothing at all. Touching her is like being given a tiny wonder, like my heart is mended even though it had been broken ever since I knew it was there. I accept then that my heart, in whatever condition, belonged to her.


	5. Darkness Rules

THE RULES

1\. You are not to open yourself to the force until everyone in the resistance trusts you and allows you.  
2\. You will be in charge of cleaning and maintaining all the ships in the docking area A and B.  
3\. Every day you will listen to one member of the resistance who has complaints or grievances against you.  
4\. You will have sessions with General Leia and Rey to help you prepare to open up to the force one day if the resistance deems you fit.  
5\. You are not part of until you prove yourself.

(Ben’s point of view)

I looked at the list over and over again, I had been given this with a briefing from the leaders last night. Maybe this was for the best, maybe the routine could actually help me but the 3rd and 4th rules, talking and analyzing my actions, that made me fidget. There was a certain part of me that wanted to run in the opposite direction, far away from the order and the resistance, somewhere no one would ever recall anything I ever did. These thoughts were the very reason I had to stay, I had to follow these rules. I felt lost and confused, but also happy and sure. I am a ball of tangled anecdote. The parts that are unpicked are available, useable; the rest is chaos, useless until it is freed. That mess feels never-ending and at times impenetrable.

I sat here, in a tiny tent, waiting to be confronted by someone whose life I had destroyed. My breath became shallow and quick and my fingers were tapping the table in a nervous rhythm. I hadn’t seen Rey since yesterday and had been actively avoiding Lei… Mother. So, the only human interaction I had the whole day was angrily staring eyes while I tried to get some breakfast. It was part and parcel of the rules package, no one was allowed to help me in my day to day activities and missing breakfast would have just made everyone feel I was not putting in an effort, so I endured the hateful gaze.

There was movement at the opening of the tent and an old man walked in, he was walking with the support of a stick and kept his eyes on the ground while he walked up to the table. It took him a while to sit and he was struggling, I lifted my hand to support him but he gestured me to stop and I sat back down. Once he was settled in, he slowly lifted his gaze to look at me, and there was something worse than anger in them, there was disgust. 

“Kylo Ren, I am not a man who minces his words, I spent my young life as a slave under the empire. I have seen too much misery to believe in black and white, I know too much destruction to not know the nature of war. The new republic was the only time of my life when I found peace and happiness, when I met the love of my life. You know the harmony was short-lived, and our small cocoon was broken up but I never complained because we had a good life together and she left me with my boy...” He talked slowly, putting enough weight on each word. His face was covered with scars and his eyes were unyielding. He didn’t seem like someone who was capable of crying, burden of his life seemed too substantial for tears to accommodate.  
“I will say it like the fact it is, you killed my son, where, how and when are trivial matters,” his straightforwardness hit me like a sledgehammer. All of a sudden, I felt completely incapable of taking in oxygen, his words strangling me. “I do not understand why they are making you and me do this. You are just a kid, you will never understand what you have taken away from people here,” the man said while getting up, he seemed uninterested in my reaction.  
“I remember his face; he looked a lot like you. I felt his fear while he was working on getting the fighters ready. I remember blowing up the hanger and feeling his love for you and his terror. He wanted to live to protect you, he wanted to live to end me,” I was trying my best to keep my face composed like the man, tears pushing the back of my eyes to come out. The man turned and looked at me, his expressions still the same. “I remember every life I have ever taken…” I wanted to say his name but realized I didn’t know it. “My name is Onass,” he replied seeing me struggle. “And if what you say is true, you live with a burden greater than mine, I can only pity you.” Onass walked away leaving me in there to remember every inch of his son’s face. 

I sat there in complete silence for a few minutes, eyes closed and mind concentrated. The more I remembered the more I felt like running away.  
“Ben,” It was Rose’s voice and all of sudden the pain subsided a bit. “We need to go, you have to clean the fighters,” she said hesitating. When I didn’t respond she came close to me and wrapped her hands around me. This made me jump back, “I… I am sorry, I didn’t know what to do,” Rose took a few steps back and I calmed down a bit. “No… no, it's not you, I was just lost in something and you…” I didn’t complete it but she understood. “Let’s go, I think working on something would be good for me right now,” I said and followed her out of the suffocating tent.

I worked for hours non-stop, cleaning the small parts, washing away the dirt almost felt therapeutic. All the dark thoughts turned into nothingness with every surface that I cleaned. Rose sat in one corner reading and keeping a side-eye on me, making sure I didn’t sneak out or have another breakdown. I was grateful for her presence there, I really wanted to be with Rey but I knew that having her around would be counterproductive. I would be too distracted, too emotional if I saw her and maybe a friendly company was keeping me together. 

“Are you okay?” Rose asked after seeing me clean one part for fifteen minutes. “Yeah… I am almost done… and I am hungry, you?” I asked getting down from the ladder. The fighters were shining clean. “YES, LET’S GO!” she screamed out tossing the book to one side. 

We sat with overflowing plates just outside the tent. The food was cold and we had gotten all the leftovers because we were late, but both of us were so hungry that we didn’t care about what we were eating. Once I sat down I realized how tired my body had become, I stuffed my mouth with a spoonful and saw Rose drink down a whole jug of water. We ate in silence for a while, “Ben… can I ask you something?” of course Rose broke the quiet, I nodded through the back of my plate.  
“You… General Leia… she…” Rose spoke, her mouth was full. “I know I am being harsh on her,” I said gulping down a big portion. Rose looked tensed immediately, “I think we have talked enough for you to know I won’t lash out on you?” I said, a bit offended. “No, it's not about you lashing out, I…. I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said putting down her plate. I searched for words to reply but failed and got up to wash my plate. 

“In quiet moments she used to come to me, a trace, a shadow of who she was. When the light had hold of me the specter was kind, she laughed and I still recall the times I felt her love. But there was always this fact - she never did love me. She gave me away like I was something she was glad to be free of, not caring how my story unfolded. That cold stare, she bade me farewell more coldly than she did to a soldier and that's when I knew. If she felt it, she couldn’t have hidden it, but she didn’t, and she couldn’t fake it. Perhaps some people can but there are always signs, aren't there Rose? Not that I needed to look hard. Her face was passive, untroubled at the parting… She fought harder for the new republic, got more upset over government matters.” I was concentrating on scrubbing the plate that was clean a few minutes ago and heard Rose take steps towards me. “I love her Rose, I want to forgive her, so why do all this still haunt me? I want to forget everything from the past but apparently that isn't in my portion in life.” Rose took the plate from me, almost snatching it and forced me to look at her.  
“That is your memory, your side of what happened Ben, that is what you remember, but shouldn’t she get a chance to explain? Aren’t we giving you that chance? You abandoning your family, or yourself is much the same thing. For when you find your true self away from all the darkness, you will find them also. You will see all of their actions, the ones you remember as crimes, for what they actually were – humans being human and making mistakes.” her words were too precise, to factual for me to protest against. I wanted to tell my side of the story but I was closing myself off to her story.  
“I will talk to her, just not today, okay?” I said, not ready for that conversation yet. Rose knew she had pushed me enough and let it go.

(Rey’s point of view)

My eyes were puffy and red; I hadn’t gotten any sleep the whole night. The few hours I did manage were plagued with nightmares, dark and twisted. I couldn’t remember what I saw but I remember how they made me feel. I woke up angry, almost sour towards everybody and nobody in particular. I thought of visiting Ben but my mood just did not allow that, instead, I spend the whole day doing physical training alone in the forest. Even the physical activity stirred anger and frustration in me. Every time I failed at something I screamed. This had never happened before; something was wrong but I couldn’t understand what. I came back to my tent avoiding any interaction, fearing what I would end up saying. 

I need to be alone but this loneliness was a vice on my heart, gripping with just enough pressure to be a relentless pain. It was killing me just a little bit more, nibbling away my inner light and replacing it with darkness. It was the fuel of my nightmares, the reason I was struggling to breathe. I leave the tent and start walking the fresh air, completely unaware of where I am going and bump into someone. It takes me a few seconds to realize it is Rose. “I am sorry,” Rose says and I do not reply. 

“Where have you been Rey? We needed you here” She says and my anger that was ready to burst out finds a reason. 

“I don’t exist for you all, I can take a day to myself if I need,” I say spitefully and Rose looks hurt from my tone. I realize what I said and try to soften myself, the frustration still simmering. “What did you need me for?” My words are better but my tone still bitter. Rose looks at me confused, “Um… Ben well I was with him and…” She starts but I don’t have the patience to let her finish.

“You were with Ben? WHY?” A hint of jealousy in my voice. I knew I had chosen not to see him but why was Rose with him? “Well, he had a very rough talk with Onass today, and I thought he might want to talk… so…” This was not helping. Ben only talked to me and why did Onass hurt him. Why weren’t these people understanding he was already hurt?

“Well, now I get it, you needed me because Ben can only talk to me, it fine I will go to him now,” I said with smugness and started to walk away, “No, I think I managed, he did open up to me,” This made me turn around. “He, he must have been acting with you, the only person he ever opens up to is me, you couldn’t possibly have helped him,” I said convincing myself of my own words. Rose was now upset, her eyes a bit teary. She didn’t say anything and I walked away, I knew I should have said sorry, I should have explained to her what was going on inside me, but I wanted to see Ben. My emotions were overpowering me and I wasn’t capable of being sensitive to anyone else.

I entered the small tent that had been set up for him on the edge of the settlement and saw him. He was sitting on the floor, his back facing me and he was naked from the waist up. I slowly walked up to him, trying not to make a sound. His skin looked flawlessly smooth and his face was stoic. He was meditating and his teeth were biting on to his bottom lip. Without even registering I kneeled in front of him and raised my hand to touch his lips. His eyes opened from the sudden touch, he looked at me first confused and then he smiled. “Rey..” The whisper of my name was enough. I didn’t know why I had been stopping myself for so long, I moved my face closer to his, my lips ready to embrace his. He moved away a bit, “I… I don’t think,” he tries to stop me but it is a futile attempt. I gently lean in and kiss his warm lips. I hold the kiss for long, feeling his plum lips on mine. We pull apart and take shaky, shallow breaths. Unable to contain ourselves anymore, he holds my head in his hands and pulls me into another fiery and passionate kiss. My hands work their way around his body, feeling each crevasse, each line along his perfect figure. His hands venture over my body, exploring. We slowly pull apart and open our eyes, staring at each other, deep into each other's eyes. His stoic face has turned, a little darkness dancing in his eyes. I know I am unhinging him, this is dangerous, but my impulses control me.

“Rey we shouldn’t…” He is losing the battle with himself. I can see he wants to be good, but that just makes me want to break his shield even more. I get up and dim the light kept in the corner and walk back to him. “We should,” I say removing my clothes until I am in my underwear, sitting back down in front of him. I take his hand, guiding him to remove the bandages covering my breasts. He is hesitant, but I can see he wants it so bad. I kiss him again, passionate and deep, biting his lips as I had always wanted to. With every touch, every kiss his reservations are failing. His touch becomes more confident, more unbalanced. I see a spark of Kylo in his eyes but ignore it, I need him to come out of his cave, I need him inside me. I slowly start removing his trousers.

With our clothes off every pretense fall. The facade we show the world outside dissolves and all we want is to fuck each other's brains out. Every kiss has a rare intensity - breathing fast, heart rates faster. Then before I know how it happened, our skin is moving softly together. I feel his hand enter from below moving fast, our tongues entwined in a kiss, and then he's inside, my breathing changing with every thrust of his, hearing my moans timed to his body he smirks. I have never felt anything like this, my whole body feels sparks all around. Then all at once he stops and kisses my neck and then my breast, his fingers moving rhythmically over my nipples, his hands light; then he's licking and using his fingers all at once, watching my reaction, feeling how my legs move, watching my body writhe. He tells me he's going to make me beg for it and I just let out a moan, unable to come up with a coherent response. In seconds he's on me again, every thrust harder than the last, just long enough to intoxicate my mind before stopping again. If it's begging he wants, he's going to have to stop long enough for my other senses to start working again first, “Oh Ren…” I say the pleasure filling me up. 

He is shaken out of our trance because of this. He gets up moving away. “NO…” it’s a soft scream he lets out and I open my eyes, acknowledging what I said. “I.. I don’t know why I said that…” I say, completely confused and a bit ashamed. Ben is putting on his clothes, he walks to me and covers me in a blanket. “I know, you… you called me Ren because I was Ren in that moment because you came here seeking Ren,” he says putting strands of my messy hair behind my ear.  
“That, that is not possible,” I say this but I know he is telling me the truth, I wanted his darkness, but I didn’t understand any of it.

“Rey, I closed my self-off from the force, and now there is complete unbalance. The darkness I left behind is finding a way through you to regain its power, you are the only remaining person who is strong with the force. This is all my fault, you… you don’t need to be ashamed of anything,” He says watching me turn into a ball. I was unable to look at him, I had hurt rose, I was jealous and I had tried to bring him back to the darkness he was trying to walk away from. 

“I am so weak, I am sorry,” I say trying to get to my clothes. “Rey no, he cups my face in his hands and then hugs me tightly. “If anyone knows the power of darkness it’s me, you NEVER have to apologize to me. Look at me Rey, look at me,” I look up and his eyes are filled with only love and concern. “We will get through this, together, I promise,” I lean again this time out of pure love, trying to kiss him but he holds me back.

“We have to first be sure Rey, we are ticking bombs near each other, we need balance before we can come close again,” he says kissing my forehead gently.


	6. The Prince

(Ben’s point of view)  
I was watching her; this was the first time I had seen her in two days. I knew I need to keep my distance but I didn’t want her to feel guilty about anything. I had decided I need to let her know there was nothing to worry about with me, I wanted us to be comfortable around each other. Because no matter how difficult it was, we NEEDED each other to keep going. The Saber moved really swiftly in her hand. A concentrated look frowned her eyebrows. There was sweat dripping down her body. Even her tied back hair was wet because of the sweat and stuck to her face. I watched her train with all her might, devoid of any mentorship. She had told me about mother training her but there was only so much she can tell. She needed a Jedi master, all of a sudden, my head was filled with memories of Luke and the Jedi temple but those memories went from playful to scarring really quick. Not wanting to be stuck with these thoughts I got out of the shadows and walked up to Rey. As I approached her, she swung her Saber an inch away from my face. 

“Calm down Last of the Jedi,” I said as she moved away a bit surprised. “Sorry, I didn’t see you,” she said withdrawing the Saber.

“You are swift, but you are not putting enough power behind your blows,” I remarked crossing my arms. “Ummm… really? So why don’t you show me?” she replied holding out the saber and shrugging her shoulders. I looked at it and an electric shock went through my body, my hands instantly wanted to grab it, they remembered the feel of one but my mind and heart were conflicted. She read the tension in my eyes and lowered the saber. “Sorry,” her tone was gentle. 

“Well I cannot hold a saber but I can still fight you,” I winked, trying to defuse the tension. She got a bit uncomfortable and I realized she might have perceived it as flirty. We still needed to talk about whatever happens a couple of nights ago, I was scared of even bringing it up because of the expression on her face right now. 

“You can try,” she challenged trying to move on and I found a couple of sticks that we could make do as sabers. “There, may the best…..person win,” I said unsure of any other way of referring to us. She was a Jedi but I, I was right now a nobody.

I was lost in my reluctance when she struck me and my hand instinctively defended. She had a fire in her eyes now, ready to prove something. I had to be careful around her, the darkness in her kept knocking, I knew the beats of those knocks better than anyone else. The sound could be deafening, my biggest fear was that my being around her aroused the darkness. Our stick swords strike a couple of times before she slides behind me, unbalancing me, I firm my steps and turn around. She has a huge grin plastered across her face, and my mind flashbacks to her passionate kisses, they were so strong but at the same time so soft, I think about kissing her now, about the feeling that is provoked in me. I loved being that person, I loved embracing the dark but I also remember the complete fear in my mind of letting her slip. No, I could not go there, she deserves so much better.

Her blow almost knocks the stick from my hand and I am back to reality. I decided to focus on the fight now, keeping my mind busy. Her footing is all wrong, she is too used to having a longer weapon, she is also unsure of her next move. I keep defending every blow, reading her rhythms. When I finally feel sure of her patterns I strike, she isn’t prepared for it. I catch her hand and I can see that it is painful but she puts on a brave face. I stop mid-step, I didn’t want to hurt her, “Come on, don’t stop now, you have finally started fighting,” there was still a twisted passion and thirst in her voice. I calm myself; I had to help her, be with her but I couldn't let this get out of control. 

She raises her hand again but I hold it, “You are too unfocused and untrained Rey,” I wanted to stop her from enjoying this too much. “You know I have defeated you... I am powerful,” her voice has an urgency to it, she wants to overpower me. 

“I never said you are not, I said you need to train… you are so much more powerful then I could ever be Rey,” her eyes soften and she composes her posture. “Then fight me,” she is her self now, the firmness is gone and replaced by resolve. I swirl the stick in my hand and make my first move, “Lesson one, always know the next ten steps you are about to take,” I say as she tries to defend herself, she has to take a few steps back trying to hold me off. She dunks and sidesteps me and I catch her by her waist. “Lesson two, also know your opponents next ten moves,” I said and grab the stick from her hand. She is annoyed, angry even, she pushes me away with all her force and in the process stumbles and falls to the ground. 

I rush to her and offer her my hand. She hesitantly takes it, standing up slowly. I could scarcely breathe as I watch her brush out tiny leaves from her silky hair, which fell in slight waves. Her skin was soft and pale, perfect. Her eyes seemed to have gotten brighter, more intense. They sparkled in the sunlight like a pair of radiant diamonds. Her cheeks were slightly pink. She brushed a stray tendril of hair behind her ear, gently brushing her high cheekbones as she did so. Her perfectly-shaped lips were a beautiful rosebud pink. I saw tiny flecks of the grass on her long dark lashes, framing her pretty forget-me-not eyes. She arched a slender brow on me and put her petite hands on her cute hips. There is something about her, maybe the ferocity or the determination. Whatever it is, it makes me want to hold on to her with my dear life and at the same time somewhere deep scares me. Her will to remain good makes me shaky, will my weakness ever be enough for her strength?  
“You…” She is trying to find words, anger on her nose right now. “I have matched you before, what was that?” She is embarrassed by her anger but also consumed by it.   
“You did, you defeated Kylo, but you have never fought Ben,” words were coming out slowly. It was the first time I had called myself by that name in years. “It is easy to defeat an angry and self-hating person, harder to defeat someone who feels loved, so if anything you are the reason you cannot defeat me now,” I say, her eyes are transfixed on me, a little hint of confusion on her face. 

“Rey you made me believe in myself, allowed me to give ben a chance, and trust me Ben is really hard to fight off,” the mischief in my tone is apparent. “But seriously, a little bit of training and even I the mighty prince would bow in front of you,” the words come out and I regret them immediately. “I am sorry that is something I used to say as a kid, it just slipped out,” I apologies.  
“There is no need to say sorry, this just means you are letting your old self back in again,” Rey tried to comfort me as always, but she doesn’t know what all my old self has in store for me. With every good memory comes a crushing reminder of hurt and loneliness. “And will you please train me?” The embarrassment is traded for a tone of defeat.   
“You sound really excited about it,” I ask curiously, I wish I could just feel what she was feeling and for the first time in days I want to open myself up to the force but it's only a fleeting thought.   
“I should be the one helping you Ben, not saddling you with my troubles,” her eyes are almost teary, I can sense flashbacks of that night running through her mind. We stared at each other in an odd way, as if it were a silent argument. Our glances battled each other, until tears arose, and we found ourselves crying.

"Rey.. you already saved me, let me save you back a little bit" I hiccupped, tears rolling down with quietness. She sighed, wiping her own tears, before wandering away from me toward the trees with a curious slowness. Her hands were curled around her stomach and I could almost feel her reel in mental and physical pain.  
I felt an urge to do something, to comfort her, but also myself. In a moment I walked up to her and pressed my lips against her, felt her body loosen and arms touch my shoulders. I chuckled beneath the salty tears, "It's payback for that night." Then we hovered right there, quite soundless for so long, simply feeling each other's presence.

We are sat below a tree, her body cuddled up against mine. There are a lot of reasons we shouldn’t let this happen, but none that would have stopped us. She traces my arm and comes across a little angry red scar. My heart skips a beat. She doesn’t react. “How did you get this?” It was all she asked. I ignored the question. She didn’t press me for an answer, which surprised me a little. “You know,” she says, “your heart’s intents show you where you’re headed and the physical scars show you where you’ve been and what you have been through.” I turned and really looked at her and in her, I saw beauty. Her hands were strong around my chest and yet at the same time gentle. And her mouth… oh, how I wanted to kiss that mouth again and so I did. I loved it every second of our closeness. I loved the way her small body melted into mine. The way our lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way she relented as I played with her hair and held her tighter and tighter. When we broke away after what seemed like ages, she looked at me...

“Ben… this cannot be wrong; I do not want to fight this. You can’t be my darkness when you are the light in me.” She was choosing her words carefully. I knew there was a part of this that was fuelled by our shared darkness, but in this moment, I wanted to believe her. I nodded gently, my hands still in her hair. “Please tell me we can work this out together because the last two days of staying away from you have been torture,” she said and her grip around me tightened further like she was afraid I would vanish. 

“Rey I was staying away from you for you, I would want to be with you in all your forms. As undeserving as I am for you, I will fight for your light with you if you want me to.” Her hand touched my face gently.

“Prince Ben you are really stupid, I am exactly what you deserve, nothing less and nothing more,” she grinned and starched to kiss my forehead. “Also why does your hair always smell so good,” she asked her nose now buried in my hair. All I could do was laugh through my tears. 

Our moment was interrupted when we heard rushed footsteps and distanced ourselves. Both us composed our faces as Finn approached us. “Rey, we need to get to the base, Hux… he… he is on a rampage trying to find Ky…. Him,” he said point towards me. “Leia has called for a meeting, we all need to go now,” Rey and I got up staring at each other, unsure of what awaited us and followed Finn back to the base.

**Author's Note:**

> I have tried to write what I think episode 9 should have been, it's my first time writing, please let me know if you guys like the concept and if I should continue


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